Monday, January 3, 2011

Homemade gifts- part 8 -Dammit Dolls

What is a Dammit Doll? It's a doll used to relieve stress and frustration. They come in handy when you want to throw a fit. You can hit it, whack it, or throw it till you feel a little better. 

My sister made 10 of these for each person in the family. She personalized each doll to be a character we hate. They were made in a shape for optimal whacking, long legs and no arms. She did a great job making the dolls, but the poems my brother in law wrote to match each doll made them a hit. 

Here is mine: The Perfect Mother

The perfect Mormon mother;

She makes you throw a fit.
Always says words like “bless you,”
And never says “oh shit!”

She bakes for the whole neighborhood
And quilts for the third world.
She sews her children clothing.
Her hair is always curled.

Her minivan is spotless;
It never is a mess.
And after seven children,
Still fits her wedding dress.

She does her genealogy;
Goes jogging every day.
The leader of the book club,
And runs the PTA.

You now you’ll never match her.
Ain’t life just a bitch?
And when you think about her,
You turn into a witch.

Grab Molly Mormon by the legs
And find a place to slam it.
And as you whack the stuffing out
Yell, “Dammit, Dammit, Dammit!”

My husbands: Nancy

There’s not a politician
That doesn’t drive you nuts.
They walk around with high heads,
What a bunch of butts.

With our economic woes
And debt that has no end,
What better way to fix it all
Than spend and spend and spend?

We cannot drill our own oil;
The Saudi’s are our friends.
Terrorist trials in New York
The madness never ends.

Now that we can ask and tell
And no child’s left ahead;
Our poor constitution’s
Left hanging by a thread.

Of socialism you’ve had enough;
You want to scream and shout.
Here is a Pelosi doll
You cannot do without.

Just grasp your Nancy by the legs
And find a place to slam it.
And as you whack the stupid out
Yell, “Dammit, Dammit, Dammit!”

For my new sister in law: The BoBo doll

Your newly wedded bliss
Did not last on and on.
It would still be going,
If it weren’t for Jon.

He travels out of town
And doesn’t call for days.
“I forgot to check my cell phone.”
(Following his sister’s ways)

“What’s this he’s not at work?
You say he didn’t show?”
For a breath of nature,
To the mountains he did go.

You’re learning fast what it means
To be a Kidd outlaw.
Aunika and Renee do it,
You look at them with awe.

There are a few choice words,
That have helped them along.
Most of them have four letters;
You’ll learn them, just be strong.

So when your groom drives you nuts
You want to scream and shout
Here’s a little Bobo doll,
You cannot do without.

Grab Jonathan by the legs
And find a place to slam it.
And as you whack his stuffing out
Yell, “Dammit, Dammit, Dammit!”

For my older brother: A Lawyer

They all think that they’re so smart,
While they take all your money.
A bill for each five-minute-talk;
They probably think it’s funny.

Be it esquire, attorney, lawyer,
Or legal representative;
For all these stupid titles,
I have four-letter expletives.

When men like OJ walk free,
And Ayers who bombed our nation.
The lawyers should be put in the stalks,
And made a public demonstration.

If ever you retaliated,
You know where you’d end up.
So you just keep on paying them,
And learn to suck it up.

Just grasp your esquire by the legs
And find a place to slam it.
As you think how you’ve been robbed
Yell, “Dammit, Dammit, Dammit!”

My 15 year old brother got this one:

You spend your life as a young man
With two people that are old.
Renee and Gerald put together,
You’ve got Reginald.

Sometimes Reggie drives you crazy,
And you know more than they
Just like every teenager,
You want to get your way

They make you want to scream and shout.
They think they are so wise.
You wish that you could kick them out,
Or poke them in the eyes.

Just grasp your Reggie by the legs,
And find a place to slam it.
And as you whack the wisdom out
Yell, “Dammit, Dammit, Dammit!”

Sorry, My camera died Christmas night and I couldn't round them all back up for pictures. But you get the idea. 

I hope you not all sick of seeing our handmade Christmas, because I've got a few more things to share. 


banananutmeg said...

I am so making these next year for my family! Best gifts EVER! Love it. Thanks for sharing!

jenniejones said...

So funny. Especially the poems!

Julie Johnson said...

Absolutely hysterical. What a gem of a gift...poems are priceless!

Kristy said...

Oh this is too funny! Is there an available pattern for these? Could have some serious fun with this one !! Thanks for sharing !

Kasey said...

So funny and creative!

Ashley said...

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Erin said...

HILARIOUS!!! I think I need the 'perfect mother' doll.

cheryl said...

oh my!! my husband and father-in-law would love the Pelosi doll! you should sell those!

oh no, I am not tired of your ideas at all. I am tucking them away for next year's ideas. I sucked it up with gifts this year....pretty bad. I need all the good ideas you can type up and send out!! thank you!

Kelly said...

Really, really funny. Thanks for sharing!

Lessons Learned said...

That is hilarious! I'd love to see what she could come up with for a teacher?! LOL

Kitschalicious said...

These are freakin' AWESOME!!! I so want one!

Cole's Corner said...


chris said...

Kalleen, these are hilarious. Kudos to your sis for putting them together. I think I need one!

Anonymous said...

these are great. I love the idea...may have to make a few for next year!

Erin said...

These are awesome! How funny and so cool!!!

Marika said...

these are awesome! love the idea (and i really needed to hear molly mormon's peom this morning!). thanks for posting!

Julie said...

I love them, and I needed the Molly Mormon poem today! and everyday actually!

Jeanna said...

These are great! I'm going to have to make some.


viento said...

you have just given me laughter on a very dark and dreary day, THANK YOU! I loved the post! I love the dolls. just wonderful. thanks again for making me laugh hard today.

CJ said...

In love with this idea! Have to see if I could come up with one for each in my family. Thanks for sharing.


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